Summertime

It has been one month since my kids have been out of school. All three are home...all day

I usually get anxiety during the summer and last summer was awful. I was traveling a lot for work and I was still trying to manage it all- it was a recipe for a meltdown.

Ross and I are very traditional in that he leaves for work every day- rain or shine... sick or not. And I work at home regardless if the house is empty or filled with kids.

Last summer I had an incredible amount of responsibility and it definitely took a toll on me. I wasn't happy, I was grumpy a lot, and my kids rarely got a consistent good vibe from me. I'm not saying they were always angels either, but I'm the adult and most of the time on the inside I felt like I wanted to be in the fetal position. Between my husband's crazy hours at the office, working full time while managing my home, and trying to take on multiple soccer tournaments- I just felt like I was swimming in the deep end at all times while trying to keep a smile on my face.

Here's the real talk...I'm not a stepford wife and I don't want or need to be. I can't cook for the life of me (my husband will vouch), my house will most likely have a mess behind the closet door, and I feel like I've won something if my youngest two look like they showered! Trying to be the perfect wife and perfect mom only made me feel less and less like I was good enough.
What I learned about myself last summer is that I lived to please everyone else, but myself and this doesn't just pertain to my family.

This summer has been a bit different and I've yet to have an anxiety driven breakdown. I work, but I know that it's okay to walk away from the computer for a few hours. I purchased a gym for my home so I can train when it works best for MY schedule, but I have been training from home for the last two months- this gym was a want not a need. I am also learning that it's okay to feel blah, happy, sad, frustrated, tired, and excited... all of these emotions are a part of being human and if I try to suppress or numb one, then I'm ultimately depriving myself of feeling true joy.

I love being a mom and wife. And it takes daily practice to love just being me.